“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*