So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

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I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.


Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*


For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.


I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.


Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.


โ””๐Ÿ“ 2022
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