@impaulmccoy

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

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@FierceMess

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

@EmSlyce

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

@J0hnnyBlaze

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@Home_Halfway

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