So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I’m listening
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.