@noog

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

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@bug_deal

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

@ThisOneSayz

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

@cookie_mumbles

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

@patnspankme

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

@DontTouchMyWine

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

@Swishergirl24

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.