So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.


I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.


Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name


my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.


Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.


When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.


My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”


One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.


The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.


Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets