@noog

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

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@KeanuWithClips

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@AmishPornStar1

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

@dumbbeezie

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

@Boobalander1970

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

@DurtMcHurtt

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@TitansHomer

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

@weinerdog4life

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

@hipchkk

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

@SondraDeeMe

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets