So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???


Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.


Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?


I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.


God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine


[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?


I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.


If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.


I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.