So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
You Might Also Like
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”