@Book_Krazy

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

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@Be___Dope

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

@envydatropic

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

@alfageeek

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

@RickAaron

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

@gerryhatric

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@UnFitz

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler