So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
ok like just. call me at this point
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids