So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

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[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.


A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this


Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.


Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.


This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.


My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.


Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat


How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.


“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler