So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I beg your pardon?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo