So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
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My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.