So fluffy! š #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. Youāre working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Fact:
āIntercourseā sounds more like itās about vehicular traffic than sex.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask āAre you ok?ā
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: āIf you donāt leave now, Iām calling the police.ā
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
aināt no way thereās billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I canāt decide if itās amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either āget down hill fastā or āknife feetā
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I donāt know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, Iāve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My son told me he got me something āpretty expensiveā for Christmas, and if itās not a vacation home in Bora Bora Iām disowning him.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i canāt hear you let me put you on sneaker