So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.