So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
is this meant to deter me
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.