So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.