So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*pokes sex life with a stick
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes