So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them