So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red