So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting