So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
.. do you even science?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap