So Hamburger help me, God
You Might Also Like
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know