“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better