“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
what’s really going on
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
No Google it does not
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*orders delivery*
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.