@bornmiserable
@sixfootcandy Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
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@sixfootcandy 
@HomeProbably When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
@VikingJonesy Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
@werehedgehog Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
@Versacheetos This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
@Donna_McCoy *tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
@cogentanalysis “I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
@STRIKINGxVIKING “We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
@tuckerflodman *Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
@JessiPols I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.