@bornmiserable

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

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@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

@HomeProbably

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

@VikingJonesy

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

@werehedgehog

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

@Versacheetos

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@cogentanalysis

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

@STRIKINGxVIKING

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@JessiPols

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.