“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Breaking news:
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Free him
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’