“So how did you two meet?”

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?


When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.


Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.


Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.


This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*


*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion


“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats


“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?


*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?


I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.