So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.