So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
A man of commitment.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way