“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Hamburger Hinderer.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing