So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
You Might Also Like
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
accurate
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back