So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Finally a use for spoilers…
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls