Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

Managing expectations

me and who

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.