So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
that wasn’t the question
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”