So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“That’s what” – She
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth