“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
bury ourselves
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Saturday
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Florida man
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.