“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
You Might Also Like
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
You are what you delete.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days