So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19


When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.


[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.


Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd


Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great


I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.


I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.


When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”


Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted


I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.