So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably