@UncleDuke1969 And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
@LovestruckLayla So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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@UncleDuke1969 
@KyrieFaye When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
@squirrel74wkgn [dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
@thepunningman Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
@Marlebean Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
@CarpentersCrack I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
@Cheeseboy22 I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
@Nrvous1 When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
@sweetmomissa Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
@StanHels1ng I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.