So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.