So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
and this one
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure