So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
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Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.