So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Pringles
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
And now we wait
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.