So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
You Might Also Like
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.