so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”