So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
You Might Also Like
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
For the ones in the back.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance