So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
🙅🏻
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
thinking about a very short hotdog
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.