So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My dress code is business-casualty.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
OH. COME. ON.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?