So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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