So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Who knew!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Was it something I said?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever