[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
There’s no seat.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers