So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
You Might Also Like
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir