So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
buying dead houseplants to save time
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future