so i’m at the stock market right
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds