So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside