So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
#dnd #ttrpg
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”