So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar