So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
And that about sums it up.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Forever 21… pounds overweight