@10InchesPlus

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

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@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

@SLNerf_Herder

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@PieChord

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

@Loli_Sug

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

@behindyourback

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

@online_shawn

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

@slimmy_shady

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

@ripstiklesbian

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

@tochichels

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave