@UncleDuke1969 *wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
@10InchesPlus So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
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@UncleDuke1969 
@SLNerf_Herder *Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
@TeaPainUSA Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
@PieChord Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
@Loli_Sug My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
@behindyourback While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
@online_shawn Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
@slimmy_shady Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
@ripstiklesbian *good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
@tochichels whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave