So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
You Might Also Like
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.