So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
This will never not be funny 😭
What’s a Messi?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.